When approaching the subject of biblical love, we need to separate it as much as possible from cultural love. There is little resemblance between the two. John was uniquely qualified to define biblical love from his personal relationship with Jesus. It is no oversight that John never identified himself other than “His disciple whom Jesus loved.” (cf. v.13:23; 20:2; 21:7, 20).
Observing the occurrences of the terms, notice the pattern. The verb agapao occurs 37 times in 27 verses; the noun agape, 7 times in 6 verses. Neither agapao nor phileo is mixed with other terms in John’s gospel account. Therefore, we can use his account to define biblical love. John begins with God’s agapao (Jn 3:16) and ends with Peter’s phileo (Jn 21:17). Biblical love has two facets, neither of which involves physical attraction (cf. Isa 53:2) nor an overwhelming or uncontrollable passion. This would be the noun epithumia and the verb epithumeo. Such urges are of the devil (Jn 8:44).
In Jn 11:3, John provides an illustration of what follows in chapters 12-17 and culminates in chapter 21. Lazarus was sick. The human response to a sick and dying loved one is to appeal based on phileo. But Jesus did not respond. He waited four days and let Lazarus die. This doesn’t comport with love today. This is why John, led by the Holy Spirit, tells us that Jesus agapao all three (11:5). This is underscored in 13:1b, “having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end.”
Chapter 12 begins the last week of Jesus’ life with a private dinner with His disciples. The difference between the actions of Mary and those of Judas Iscariot could not be starker. Even some who believed loved the approval of men rather than the approval of God (12:43). John 13:34-35 is not about attraction or affection. Agape and philia cannot be separated without negatively altering either or both. Biblical love can and must be distinguished from the love of the world. How will the world know that we are followers of the Lord Jesus Christ if we are unbalanced in either direction? Genuine biblical love is obedience (agapao, 14:15-31) and affection (philia).
We must not skip over phileo prior to chapter 21. Note 15:19 & 16:27. In 15:19 we have phileo without agape. In 16:27, we have God the Father loving (phileo) the believer because the believer loves (phileo) the Son. This is the only place God the Father is said to love (phileo) the believer, even though in other places we read that He loves mankind. The result of this affection for the Son answers why believers understand the Scriptures and unbelievers do not (cf. 14:21-22 w. 16:13-15). From this, I draw the abiding principle that a major part of philia/phileo is self-disclosure. If only this was being taught to teenagers today. Genuine biblical love is perverted when mixed with current culture, and/or the two facets of biblical love are separated.